Thomas the Tank Engine Voicebox Hacked by Russian Cyber Criminals, Starts Muttering Mild Obscenities (in Russian)

Our city was proud to welcome Thomas the Tank Engine back within town limits this weekend, that is up until things went pear-shaped while the mayor was presenting the locomotive with the key to the city. Thomas, the renowned Choo-choo of Children’s TV fame, has now had his reputation tainted in the city of the same name.

The incident occurred like this: as the cheerful train accepted the over-sized key his words started to slur together, then after a noticeable pause, he began speaking in Russian. The banter began in a somewhat friendly manner; by Thomas calling the Mayor his “dyevochka” (girl) and “tsvetochka” (flower) but the interaction quickly devolved as the locomotive seemed to become afflicted with coprolalia, a condition associated with Turrets. While experts may debate whether a machine can succumb to such a syndrome, residents of St. Thomas have little doubt left in their minds. 

The onlookers had uncomfortable smiles caked on their faces until the moment one community member pulled out a smart phone to offer simultaneous translation for the crowd.

[Warning: the following accounts contain foul language and should not be consumed by children]

These are some of the mutterings that we believe were overheard before the switch to Russian “Bring me Vodka or bring me death!”, “Caviar for all!”, “Potatoes, Potatoes, Potatoes!”, “The gulag for you! And you! And you!”.

The Mayor, while at first frozen in shock by the verbal barrage, quickly regained her wits and calmly asked Thomas to refrain from such outbursts as they were unseemly. Thomas responded to her tersely in Russian, “Mne nasrat’, chto ty dumaesh!” (I don’t care what you think!), at which point a city Councillor came to her aid. Upon seeing the newcomer approach the train unleashed his verbal diarrhea upon him, “Chort tzdbya beeree, Idi nyuhai plavki!” (The devil with you, go smell underwear!). It was at this point the head engineer cut the power, freezing Thomas with a menacing sneer, that suggested more foul words were just waiting to drip from his lips.

   

We should also mention that young Ukrainian immigrants were in attendance and upon hearing such filthy language they immediate hurled their stainless steel (BPA free) sippy cups in protest. While Thomas was not damaged by the projectiles, several attendees did injure themselves by slipping on the mixture of milk and grape juice that leaked onto the ground from the improvised projectiles.

It should be noted that this event has left many attendees traumatized and the ramifications from it have escalated to the highest offices in Canadian law enforcement. The RCMP is investigating the incident as a terrorist attack and have reportedly narrowed in on a Russian hacking league that may have been involved. That being said, progress in the investigation is of little consolation to the devastated townsfolk who have all taken a leave of absence from work to recover. It is hoped that city life will return to a normal schedule in a week's time. Hopefully.